how much can you think about something before it drives you crazy?

this whole weekend seems like a dream.

backtrack to thursday night. halloween. i never really liked it, even as a kid. i mean you get all dressed up to schlep around and get candy that you can't even eat or don't like, when you just want to eat what your mom brought at the store anyway. and now, in college, just another excuse to go out and party.

but then r. invited me out and that was all i needed. after some deliberation on a costume idea, i finally came up with one: avril lavigne. i don't know what made me think of it really. at first i was thinking britney spears, but britney is just so not me, even on halloween, i can't be *that* fake. and being avril wouldn't require too much, maybe some wrist bands, eyeliner, and a tie. so i planned it all out on wednesday and spent a year drying my hair on thursday to make sure it was straight as possible. i borrowed a tie from r., and brought weird wristy things from hot topic. me in hot topic. ha. finally i put on the costume and i felt sort of avril-ish enough. then i put on the eyeliner, which i never wear, and figured that was as close as i was going to get, and marched downstairs to the boy and r's room.

they were surprisingly really impressed. apparently the eye makeup really made the difference, and i was happy. the drinking commenced, as it usually does. the boy and r. went shot for shot, doing 6 shots or so in the space of about 45 mins. i meanwhile drank my horrible half gatorade/half tequila concoction, and we did some of usually silly drunk song and dance routine, and then decided we were drunk enough to go out. the problem was with r being over 21 and the boy and i not, and r wanting to go to places we couldnt get into. the boy ran into a friend and r. turned to me and said:

"i feel like a jerk leaving you, after all i was the one who convinced you two to go out."

i grabbed him by his jacket and said, "look at me. go. do you get what i'm saying?" i just had this feeling that something was going to happen.

"ohhhh ok," r. said. "have fun."

so the boy and i were left to our own devices. i had just been feeling something all night. i don't know why. but i felt the force between us, it was so strong. earlier in the night he asked me to go into the bathroom to help him make sure his hair dye was even, and even then i just felt it. normally it is never that strong, it must have been halloween magic. anyway when we were drunk it was just a million times worse.

he kept suggesting we go back and drink in his room. but then we both got the idea we wanted to smoke so we had to walk to the gas station and buy cigarettes.... but got sidetracked on the way to one of my friend's room for a little hello. so we finally give up on the texaco and we're going to go back and drink in his room. but as we're leaving we run into r. who by this time is as drunk as i have ever seen him, and his friends tell us they want to go off-campus but that r. should go to bed. so i am really disappointed because i'm thinking now nothing will happen...

but it happened anyway... we waited til r. got to bed and we lay on the couch. it seemed like forever but in reality it was probably like not even ten minutes. finally i lay down on top of him, like it was something that we always do, and then it began. we started off kissing, and laughing and talking and trying to be quiet so r. didn't hear us. but things just kept going, and we kept saying "this is all we should do huh?" and we would agree, and then just go ahead and do more anyway... it was just unstoppable. i've never been with someone like that before, where the sexual attraction of the moment completely overtook everything else. its like i couldn't think of anything else, i didn't want anything else, except to feel him holding me and kissing me, and me kissing him. it was so easy just to tell him everything, i told him how his eyelashes were so long and how i had always wanted to kiss them, and how it felt so right to be in his arms, and all the things you say when you're drunk to someone you love. but i stopped short, i never said that i loved him, and i was glad, even though i know he knows i do and i don't have to say it... i didn't want to say it and have him lie or have him try to explain how he feels, i didn't want to talk. this was the time for pillow talk and drunken silliness not for serious conversations.

but at the same time it all felt so serious, it felt like it meant something huge, and it was a little scary, but exciting, as more and more clothes started to come off and the night sort of hung in the air and time seemed completely irrelevant.

it was just so strange to think that i was actually lying there in his arms, that he was actually traipsing his fingers up and down my arm and my spine and kissing the insides of my wrist (which by the way happens to drive me CRAZY, i don't know if anyone else has that) and that it was me touching him, and trying to remember things i read in cosmo, and wondering what my friends would say and what tomorrow would be like but at the same time not caring at all and just wanting to be like that forever and just feeling like i needed to be with him and not bothering to fight it anymore.

it was like all the energy we had spent tiptoeing around for the past two years came together for this one night, and my god it was intense. everything was so REAL and i felt so old and so new all at once, and i felt so ALIVE that it almost made me want to cry.

it was the greatest three hours of my life.

but like all things it had to end, and he made me promise not to be weird about it, and i made him promise not to be weird about it, which seemed like it would be a perfect solution at the time. so i came up here and i was amazed by what had just happened, and i tried to go to bed but i still had that feeling, the feeling that if i closed my eyes i could still feel his lips on my neck, his hands on me, his hair running through my fingers, and my heart was still racing.

which reminds me of one of the best parts of the night... my hand was on his chest and i suddenly became incredibly aware of how fast his heart was beating, so i told him "your heart is beating so fast," and he said, "i know..." and then put his hand on my heart and said "so is yours."

i wish i could make it more poetic, i wish i could make it more beautiful, i wish i could get close to explaining how i can still feel it when i close my eyes, how i have goosebumps all over just writing about it, how i ache to do all of that again with him.

but everything is so up in the air now. i saw him on friday morning before i left and i was trying to be normal and make chit chat but i could see he was scared... scared to think of how far things had gone and how he couldnt deny it anymore, what has been going on. i mean just kissing is one thing but this was entirely another... it was the most intimate experience of either of our lives and we both knew it... so how couldn't things be weird?

and i got on the bus and all i thought about the whole ride there was about what had happened and what it had meant. and all i talked about all weekend was what had happened and what it had meant. and i only came to one conclusion:

that i love him, even though sometimes i think it would be easier not to, or sometimes i wish i didn't, i love him with a power strong enough to move freakin mountains, and it scares the hell out of me.

and i wish i knew what it all meant.

but i guess its enough to say it was a magical night.

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