i was devastated by the thin envelope from notre dame, but to add insult to injury, BC only admitted me to the MA and i can reapply to the phD once i'm there.
i felt like a schmuck for setting my expectations so high. (i still haven't gotten a letter from harvard but based on those results, i'm prepared for a rejection.)
i bawled to my mother on the phone, not even able to choke out many words past "notre dame rejected me."
i am scared now. i have to make a choice between boston and england. i have definitely been leaning towards boston because the england thing would only be three terms, and i wouldnt really have time to have any real work to show which would improve my application. (after thinking about it, i felt like a tool for applying to phD programs-- i have no publications, and my gpa is a 3.64. my gre scores and recs were excellent though, and i did what i was advised to do, so c'est la vie.)
i was really disappointed in myself, and to hear the words from my dad on sunday night: "unfortunately, in life it's about who you know, not what you know," really killed me. i hate those words, i hate to believe that my merit (or apparent lack there of) means nothing. thinking about that probably made me feel even worse.
but surprisingly, my dad has been the nicest and most understanding throughout the past three days. he's called me every day and today he actually said the words i'm so proud of you, and what you've done is amazing. i think i can count the times he's said that to me on one hand-- one of those classic short-on-praise type of dads, even though now i know his bark is worse than his bite. and although it's cheesy, hearing that was way more important than ND.
i am still disappointed and terrified at the prospect of accruing $80,000 in loans over the next two years if i go to BC. but it's time for me to grow up and realize i have to take this chance and make the best of it. i need to better define my academic interests and become a more confident student, and getting a master's will allow me to do that. plus, i will get to live on my own in a really awesome place, either way.
so that's the news, i guess... i'm all right with it now.
and all of the falls that (s)he'd spent trying to coax her name from the mouths of success
