i have embarked on a disturbing new pattern of behavior in the past couple of months: barely skating by in everything. i don't know how or why it began but everything has piled up to the point where i can't deal and i pull things together at the last second.

and today i feel like i fucked myself over in a major way. i had a test and a group project both which i managed to do decently on... but i handed in a scholarship application at the literal last second (the secretary was walking out the door) and as it turns out my essay was an entire page shorter than it was supposed to be.

oh yeah, and while i was hastily finishing this application i missed a make-up class.

i REALLY need the nomination for this scholarship. it's my only hope for money for grad school outside of loans. and i fucked up my chance. i'm going to rewrite the essay and hand it in but what am i supposed to say happened? umm... i've been really busy and my life is falling apart, so give me an extension please?

my room is a mess, my life is a mess.

my parents' friend died last night. he had cancer. he was fifty four years old.

what kind of a world is this?

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