my allergies came back with a vengeance today, after a while of scoffing at the "TODAY'S POLLEN COUNT IS HIGH" scrolling across the top of weather.com every morning. i woke up inexplicably tired, and my arms hurt from sleeping on them. i walked around in a daze for most of the day until, when coming home from work, noticed all of the crap floating around in the air. so scrapped my plans to sit outside and read (not that they ever come to fruition, anyway).

i can't believe it's a month til graduation. my feelings are alternately relief and depression, usually following seconds after one another. for example, this apartment has become really really gross. we all became lazy with chores and sloppier as we got used to living with one another. we actually turned down having a prospective student come see our apartment because it is so messy right now. the problem is, all of us have so much else on our minds right now, we never get around to cleaning it. i mean, we take out the garbage and put away dishes, but there is clutter everywhere, and even i can't stand it. on the other side, this apartment feels like home. we are a weird family, the four of us, but familiarity brings comfort. and i am terrified of leaving it.

i haven't even considered the corrections to my thesis yet. having it done would mean i'm really leaving. that people i call about apartments are real people. that i'm going to be alone again... in four months from now, i will be somewhere totally different. that prospect terrifies rather than excites me.

i keep expecting my graduate program to send me some sort of instructions: this is how you live, this is what you do. once you get used to something, you can never actually remember what it was like learning to do it. i feel like this shouldn't be such a big transition. but of course, it is. kids do not go to graduate school. adults do. the only problem is, i don't see an adult when i look in the mirror. i have trouble believing that anyone will take me seriously, outside of a classroom setting. i have trouble believing i will make friends, pay bills, find a job. which of course, is a fairly large problem considering these are all essential to living life.

i keep expecting to wake up and be eighteen again.

clearly, that's not going to happen any time soon.

i have to realize that i am never going to get over the feeling that i don't belong. i won't ever wake up and be completely comfortable with who i am and what i'm doing. that's ok. i can still function. things will work out. right? right.

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