people are busy, so busy.

i am not.

i have... no new friends so far that i can think of, except josh, my roommate.

i don't know. i thought of how i said i'm less melancholy a few entries back, and i came to a horrible realization: i think i'm just used to being alone now.

i ate lunch again by myself. i spend the day either reading or talking online and i go out at night with josh wherever he's going.

sometimes i don't want to go, but i force myself. it's the only way i'll meet people.

i went to this department reception thingy and the people seemed okay, but no one seemed particularly interested in talking to me.

i can see myself the way other people see me. shy, too quiet, always tentative and likely to freeze up. i've been trying to figure out if i have been like this my whole life. i guess i have, but suddenly i hate it.

i went to this matt nathanson rep party yesterday, with people i didn't know. new people, non-threatening, it was really fun getting to know them. they are all local so at least i have some people to go to shows with now.

but i still feel like i'm not meeting anyone here at school... and that is a big void.

i still don't ever take the plunge of saying to anyone "hey, want to go get some food sometime? here's my email. let's hang out." something. anything. the words always fail to come.

i have to start making changes.

i want to join the gym, but have become so cheap and poor that actually going there and signing up would be like cutting a piece of flesh off of me. but i have to do it, i think. gyms are good place for solitary activity that makes you feel like you're not alone. and also possible places where small talk could be achieved.

i wish there were clubs in graduate school, but there aren't.

i guess the truth is, my life has no focal point anymore. it was always one place, before this, and now it isn't.

but i guess i have to work to make this a focal point now.

it's just harder than i thought it would be.

perhaps i'm not being fair to myself. after all, this is only the thirteenth day i've lived in my apartment. only my 2nd day of class.

but i'm not approaching it with the right attitude at all. and that's what scares me.

i had so much fun at the matt thing yesterday. i played frisbee with him, how lucky am i? i get to do all these great things, but nothing is ever enough for me.

will it ever be?

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