so here's what i've learned, i think.
low self-esteem. i've had it for so long.
so long, i can't even remember how long, or when i first realized it.
for the same reason that people with high self-esteem have high self-esteem: no apparent reason.
but the thing is with low self-esteem... it makes you do things. incredibly stupid things when you look back on them. believe in fairy tales and boys with girlfriends who lie to you and make silly promises that things will be okay, even though there is a good chance they will not be.
and afterwards, it is not worth it. it is not worth it to have to worry and pray and worry and pray (which i am still doing) and to not be called. to have your doubts drive you insane and be forced to stalk this person on the internet to verify that any ounce of what they told you to get in your pants is true. thankfully, some of it is.
but that doesn't change things, and it only makes you feel a little better. cause you still have to wait, through this stupid agonizing month with your head playing tricks on you. (you've calculated it to a 1.72% chance... far too big to breathe easy.)
but the panic has subsided now, and reality has set in, because this is life and things go on. you still have work to do and papers to write and he is not going to call.
you will not see him again. and you push back that part of your brain, that stupid little part that would still want to. because it's there and it will probably always be there. and maybe you have to give up trying to get it to go away completely. but maybe you can stop listening to it and stop letting it make all of those stupid empty promises.
because this could ruin everything, but it might not. it probably won't, knock on wood. this happens to girls everywhere all the time and they pick up the pieces and get on with it. maybe a little more jaded. but hopefully a lot more smart.
we all make stupid mistakes and we have to learn from them.
so you take a deep breath. hope that you are on the winning side of those odds. know you won't ever let this happen again. keep your fingers crossed and pray. because you know you are better than that fate. and you don't want to have to be forced to face it.
you know there are only so many freebies, so many times to cheat on things like this. but hopefully you will get away with this one. and that's all.
life keeps going, he is probably not even thinking of you now, probably going out to visit the girlfriend. and not thinking about you thinking and worrying. and that's all right. it's not perfect, it's not what you wanted. but maybe you needed to quit falling for all those lines.
If you don't come through,
I wouldn't wait for you.
I understand that everyone goes disappearing,
into the greatest grey
that covers over everyday,
and hovers in the distance and the distance and the distance...
so keep praying for me. but i will rise up from this, no matter what.

last entry next entry