i am tired.

you see, i didn't sleep well last night.

and while i wish i had some good excuse like partying or hooking up, my only excuse were my strange dreams, which i think highlighted my extreme craving for affection.

the one i remember was that i was at camp, with this particularly funny british co-worker. in reality, we were just casual acquaintances (although that doesn't stop me from thinking that he is hands down, the funniest person i have ever met in my entire life, in that dry british humour sort of way) but anyway, in my dream we were apparently more than friends. i was sitting on the table part of the picnic bench, and he came and sat on the bench, and pulled my arms around his neck, and i could distinctly feel and smell his hair, which was close cut and fuzzy. it seemed so real, and i woke up feeling really in need of some human affection.

i found myself staring across the classroom this morning at a boy named nicholas. he looked pretty young, maybe a sophomore i thought. he's cute in an innocent looking kind of way. and i imagined cuddling up on the couch with him to watch a movie.

after class, he conspicuously (or so i imagined) waited for me to also leave. we walked down the stairs (four flights) together. he asked if i liked the class, and if i was a poli sci major. he was, too, he said. before we parted ways, i had this impulse to hug him. he just looks huggable.

i spent the rest of the day thinking about my need for affection and my strange crushes. and i know i like this kid because he's safe. the same reason i liked mark. when he and i started fooling around, it was over between us-- it was a level of intimacy neither of us could handle. him, because of issues with intimacy; me, because of that paralyzing fear of being rejected at my most vulnerable.

so, is it bad that i want to ask this kid from my class out? not necessarily. but would i be doing it just to use him for purposes of human affection? maybe.

is there anything wrong with that? i'm not sure.

i don't want to think about this stuff.

i'm going to see matt nathanson tomorrow! there's the important stuff in life.

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