"above all, trust in the slow work of god. we are, quite naturally, impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.
we should like to skip the intermediate stages; we are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new. and yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stage of instability... and that it may take a very long time.
and so i think it is with you, your ideas mature gradually-- let them grow. let them shape themselves, without undue haste. don't try to force them on, as though you could be today what time (that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will) will make you tomorrow.
only god could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be. give our lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you, and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
-pierre teillard de chardin, sj
yes, i am going all religious on your ass. i found peace of mind this weekend in vermont. something i had been missing for a long time. i realized that it is myself who is pushing myself too hard, demanding too much, rushing to be great, trying to overcome time. myself. not my parents. not school-- although it adds to it. not anyone, or anything, but myself.
at the beginning of the retreat i wrote: "i feel like i don't know anything or anyone. sometimes i feel like i've been backtracking and losing all the confidence i had in myself."
at the end of the retreat i realized the answer was right under my nose, given to me by none other than matt nathanson: i do not appreciate little victories. i feel that i am capable of great things, so i do not see the point or purpose in good ones. this leaves me feeling small, frustrated, inadequate. case in point #1: mark. i loved him more than i have ever loved anyone. for the first time ever, i loved someone completely. and he did not love me back to the same degree-- if at all. but look, look at what i did-- i loved someone like that. some poeple never do. and i learned so much from it, and from him. just because someone doesn't love me completely on the first try, i think it means i'm unlovable. not true.
case in point #2: grad schools. i set my sights on the world. i was ready for greatness. and i was rejected. i fell flat on my face-- but not completely. i took getting into the master's program at BC as a consolation prize. really, it's not at all. there are only 10-15 grad students per year! that is a great accomplishment. i don't know why i didn't get into a phd program right away. but maybe there is a reason. maybe i will meet someone great at BC. maybe i will decide i don't even want a phd. or maybe i will get one, but just in two steps instead of one. i can't predict the future. but i can appreciate this opportunity. i should be proud of myself, not disappointed.
progress happens naturally, and those who truly love me will still love me no matter what. i was a really big dork this weekend, but i still made new friends. people still liked me. (i think.) i was my true self, and stress-free, and it was so much easier and better.
i am not perfect, and i never will be. incredibly enough, i think i have finally fully come to terms with this statement. i have plenty of flaws. i am stubborn, and somehow have an overabundance of arrogance and insecurities at the same time. but that is okay. i can get through things... maybe with god's help... if he/she/it is out there. and based on this weekend, i think he/she/it is.
This time, I'll be sailing
No more bailing boats for me
I'll be out there on the sea
Just my confidence and me
And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
But I'll learn to get by
On little victories
This time, I'll have no fear
I'll be standing strong and tall
Turn my back towards them all
And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
And I'll learn to get by
On the little victories
And if the world decides to catch up with me
Still little victories
little victories
