i am officially a bad person.

i found my roommate's live journal.

it wasn't an accident either.

surprisingly, it doesn't say anything bad about me. i'm not sure if that means she just doesn't say what's on her mind, or if she actually doesn't think anything bad about me.

i wonder sometimes if she reads this. there is one particular incident that makes me feel like she has. but i guess if she does, i prefer not to know. and i think she would feel the same way.

my roommate... what to say about her. she is a really good person, but there is something about her that makes me feel uncomfortable. i know that's really sad. she's been my friend for four years and all, but she has a tendency to make me feel badly about myself. so it's a vicious cycle because i totally retreat into myself around her, and she takes it very personally. sometimes i think we can't get along because we are different versions of the same sort of person. if i were just a little more uptight and self-loathing, we would be almost the same person. but i think the heart of the matter is that i see the big picture, but she is consumed by details. things that are important to her like small talk, having a ton of acquaintances, being as skinny as possible, knowing who ate her nutra-grain bar... this is all trivial stuff to me. i taught myself long ago to rise above small things, mostly as a defensive mechanism. i was determined to live and die in the biggest way possible, rather than be slowly drained by thousands of little pinpricks. the negative consequences of that are 1. i constantly disappoint myself and 2. i seem like an emotionally detached asshole to people who sweat the small stuff.

i feel so fundamentally incompatible with so many people in life, and this is never going to change. to a certain degree i found like-minded people in college-- and lauren and val are definitely like-minded. but, i wonder sometimes if it's not my fault for not giving people enough of a chance. i am a snob in a strange way... an intellectual and musical snob. i don't give a shit if you have money or a third eye or a fancy degree. if i can't have an intellectual conversation with you, i am probably not going to like you. if i can't talk about good music with you, then i DEFINITELY won't like you-- or at least, won't feel fully comfortable around you. weirdly, my roommate satisfies those two conditions. yet i still hold back so much of myself from her...

i know she thinks i'm a snob. she's told me as much. but the weird thing is, she is just as snobby. she is really judgemental... i can't tell you how many times she's said "that's dumb" or the equivalent to something i said. she doesn't do it on purpose, i don't think. i guess that's the fundamental difference. i'm very self-aware (or at least, i think i am), and i feel like she has no self-awareness whatsoever.

all this is very negative. and i think it's really sad because there are some great things about her... but unfortunately they are often overruled. i know i haven't been the greatest friend to her, but i don't know what to do. at this point i feel like i'll just keep quiet for the last fifty-two days of college and try to focus on the good rather than the bad.

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