written earlier when i was feeling particularly emo:
how does he know? how can he pinpoint the exact moment i let my guard down? i still feel like we're connected, somehow, even after not speaking for a year and ahlf. and how could we not be... 2 and a half years of my life revolved around him.
i keep thinking-- this is the kid who put you into therapy, who broke your heart THREE times, utterly and completely-- you're an ass to let him in again.
but it is just one IM. maybe it meant nothin. maybe its like, we're grown up, we moved on, and he did the grown up thing and admits he still cares.
fuck, it was one IM. i'm reading into this way too much. but god, it's gotta mean something. i was starting over, finally, he is half the country away. he was becoming a morbid curiosity-- in a few years, i might not even think of him, except out of the blue, and only the happy memories would be left.
but now this. and what am i supposed to do? he'll always be the one i never got over, so how can i help myself? a part of me hopes he might have realized his mistake. a huge part of me felt victorious-- he IMed me first! but i know him and i know he's already thinking one step ahead of all my reactions. that he can see right through my carefully formulated response, to me, this morning, shaking.
i still have the same involuntary reaction that i did to him four years ago, as a 17 year old. that isn't a comforting thought.
i can hardly remember the reasons why i loved him. but perhaps there were never reasons. just love.
i feel lost again.
earlier today
