I'm dazzled by glamour and camera angles,

the drama and swagger of fools

sacrificed beauty once to chase after their parade

and spent my morning after

crawling back to you

I want to be brand new, I want to trade in these wings

Mine don't work like yours do

What I wear like church clothes,

you wear just like jewelry

All the simple things you revel in,

they just suffocate me

And I don't know anymore,

wish someone would tell me who to be

Because I'm ready, I'm ready to try anything

fucking hell. maybe i'll just start every entry from now on saying fucking hell. i'm not entirely sure why. in the past four hours i've gone from happy and dancing around the living room with my dad (yeah, that's right) to sitting here at the computer sulking about my future-- emphasis on the sulking.

i can't motivate myself to write, and i wish that i knew what the hell i was doing next year, because the thought of being done with this damn thesis might mean something other than facing a black hole of nothingness.

i've become really nostalgic and sort of excited about the (strong) possibility of being a camp counselor again this summer. i'd have time to practice the guitar and think and breathe. it's sort of ironic that i *love* the outdoors, but i can't even motivate myself to go outside of my house or apartment most of the year.

i suck. i've been feeling crazy again lately... and not knowing about grad schools isn't helping. i want it to be one month from now. actually, i'll be home again then. but hopefully, with one of my roommates and out having fun instead of being a whiny jerk.

i didn't sleep too well last night. i dreamt that a school called clark university in the bronx (ok, totally doesn't exist) wanted me to do a masters in visual arts, and just called me out of the blue.

my sister has some sort of strep infection, like the precursor to scarlet fever. she has this crazy weird rash all over her, and i can't help thinking about how they used to sing "ring a round the rosy" during the plague. i feel badly for her, it's scary because she doesn't seem *too* sick, but she has this ugly fucking rash.

i hate HATE HATE the radio in new york city, well, i shouldn't say new york city because WFUV is actually really good, but we can't get it from my house. and my sister and mother mutinied because i've been playing so much matt nathanson. so i tried to listen to the radio for a bit, but i can't. i just can't do it. i listened for two songs, one was linkin park and the other was limp bizkit. shouldn't there be some sort of a rule that they aren't allowed to be played back to back?! :shudder: i turned it off, and put matt back on. the only other cd i bought home with me is "the bends," and considering the mental state i'm in right now, i don't want to listen to that too much.

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